As a mediator, to the question, «What do you expect from this mediation?» I frequently hear the response: «I want everything to go back to how it was, to the very beginning.» (This is, of course, only heard when two colleagues have had a serene and fruitful collaboration for a period of time.) I understand this response; it's reassuring because we know the past well, we've already lived through it. And then, the past is systematically and unconsciously idealized when we're experiencing a complex and seemingly unsolvable conflict situation: yes, it was definitely better before, when I wasn't suffering... when we talked and laughed together... This «before» that the mediated parties talk to me about is surrounded by an idyllic aura, even if it wasn't actually like that.
What this response above all reveals is a visceral fear of change and therefore of the unknown. In my practice, many mediated parties refer to their «excellent» past collaboration, and the best thing for them would be to go back in time. However, if there is one essential thing to learn from any conflict, it is that it is meant to make us move forward, not backward. Yet this past-oriented mindset either slows down the process with passive resistance that paralyzes potential co-construction, or outright poisons it with unrealistic wishes aimed at regaining past harmony or complicity.
It’s impossible to rebuild a relationship exactly as it was; it will inevitably be different, if only because conflict sometimes leaves scars. What I’m trying to convey, however, is that «different» doesn’t necessarily mean worse; it means new, different, and, yes, of course, unfamiliar. Let’s not forget that 92% of our fears are unfounded: in fact, only 8% of our fears are based on a concrete threat; the rest are irrational. After the destruction caused by conflict, everything must be rebuilt. This requires a healthy dose of self-reflection and adaptability. So, let’s gather our courage and dare to explore the unknown. Who knows—maybe it has some wonderful surprises in store for us?
Sharon Adler
Mediator, Negotiator, Trainer, Coach, Speaker
Founder of Négo-Médiation, a Human Relations Facilitation Firm for Business Performance
Geneva – Lausanne