Very often, when people are in conflict at work, they go through a phase of denial. Indeed, they often sincerely believe that the situation will resolve itself and adopt a passive attitude. Unfortunately, the factor of time amplifies confusion and paralysis. Then, the situation solidifies, and reality is perceived with greater cognitive distortion. Each event reinforces this limited perception of the situation and generates «self-fulfilling prophecies.» When attempts at solutions are implemented, we notice that they remain focused on the same theme (linked to the limited perception of the situation) and end up perpetuating the problem, even intensifying the conflict. Everyone is right in their own world, and everything contributes to proving it to them. At this stage, to prepare for bipartite mediation, individuals need individual support to acknowledge their suffering, unravel their mental constructs, and step out of their victim position. Once the suffering and needs have been addressed by the mediator, emotional regulation work can begin. As long as suffering takes up space, the person is incapable of hearing a point of view other than their own.
Emotional regulation, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), certain hypnosis/NLP protocols, clean coaching, etc., are tools we can use to release a person's emotional burden. This creates space for the person to take a step back and think more clearly. Without this, it is pointless to continue the process. It would be a dialogue of the deaf and blind, doomed to failure.
One of the surprising benefits of this preliminary session – aside from the relief of being heard – is seeing the person realize how they were perpetuating the conflict, seeing them also take responsibility, become self-reliant, and ultimately regain their power of action. Thus, they free themselves and sometimes manage to «emancipate» themselves from their victim position, so as not to repeat or relive it. This lesson is priceless.
Sharon Adler
Mediator, Negotiator, Trainer, Coach, Speaker
Founder of Négo-Médiation, a Human Relations Facilitation Firm for Business Performance
Geneva – Lausanne